It's been a LOOOONG time since I updated this silly thing. David's graduating from Truman with his Bachelor's degree on May 5th (that went by fast huh?). He'll be going back up to Truman in the Fall to pursue his Masters Degree in Education. So, he's still gonna be there awhile. Steph's doing well. She trys out for the 2007/2008 Sugar-Bears on April 21st. That went by fast as well. I love her team, team-mates, coach. It's just really cool. And, she's got GREAT room/suite-mates. Wonderful!!!! Doug is here/gone/here/gone... He just got back from Vegas early Friday morning, we went to Springfield Saturday & he JUST left today (Sunday) for Joplin. I miss him but I'm VERY proud of him. He's doing a fantastic job. The National Training Center even painted him onto their mural - he's like 12 feet tall on that sucker!!!! :) Me? Same old stuff. We're understaffed at work......again.......... always......... But I have plans. Doug and I are working hard to get me there. We plan to pay everything off (we've got a good start but have a long way to go). Once we've paid off the bills, I'm going back to school full time to get a drama degree so I can teach at the high school level. It will be hard. I'm old. There's not many Theatre teaching positions... I've heard it all. I don't care. God wouldn't have put all this passion in my heart to leave me hangin'. If it's His will... it will all work out for His glory and I simply don't need to fear. period. God is doing great things. I've had the privildge of judging both NOMO & SOMO FAF (Fine Arts Competitions) this year. Things are looking good for me to judge at Nationals sometime in the future. It's great that I get to "stay connected" to my passion even though I'm not writing, coaching or directing Fine Arts anymore. For the first time in my life, I am "still". I don't "do" anything. I don't HAVE to DO anything. God has taken me to a "still place" and is teaching me AGAIN what His will is for my life. I don't feel obligated. I don't feel pressure. I don't feel a sense of duty. When I go to church, I am free to worship, listen, learn. I can give out of JOYFUL heart instead of a dark place. My mom used to tell me all the time.... "If you don't slow down, God will slow you down". I should have listened to her. I should have stopped. I should have taken time to be "still". All this duty, obligation & guilt over NEVER BEING GOOD ENOUGH for anyone or anything has simply crushed me. For the last few years I have slowly but steadily drifted into a black hole of dispair, worry, hurt and exhaustion. I actually didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to die. I prayed to die. I asked God why but didn't listen to his answer. "But this is my passion God... I can't quit, I can't let everyone down, this is WHO I AM". All the while... God was trying to tell me to STOP. JUST STOP ALL OF IT NOW. Everyone assumed I would stop.... escept ME. I figured I'd keep going. "I'm strong" "I can do it"... I'm stupid. Well, it IS better to obey than to sacrifice. My sacrifice caused me the most pain I've had in my life and what's bad about that you ask? Because God never asked me or wanted me to go through that pain. I was rebelious thinking if I obeyed God and was "still", I would NEVER get to pursue my dreams. I'm stupid. I think too much. I try to do EVERYTHING on my own. I try to fix things that can't be fixed by human power alone. I have never let go of my hurt, my dreams, my disappointments or my passion long enough to find out what HE wants for me. After what I've been through this past year, I am more than happy to wait on God. I'm still not where I want to be but God will get me where HE wants me to be in HIS time. I will no longer rush God or try to get Him to let me do what I think I should do. I refuse to listen to people that say they know what I should or should not do. It's not up to them. If God wants something of me, he'll tell me directly. Moral of the story? Don't let people push you (even yourself) somewhere you're not meant to go. Be still just long enough to let God direct your path. Don't just GO to "Go". Continually let God direct you WHERE TO GO. Sometimes we're going down the same road we've always gone down but the "Road's Closed" and we don't "get it" till we fall off the cliff. I don't EVER want to be out of God's will again. Not pleasant. Not productive. Not good for my health, my heart or my soul AND I've learned the hard way that it's not good for anyone else either. To all who have read this, Love...... Carol | 
